Oh dear, Wicked William and Tony Without Teeth, are about to leave the UK, on a holiday cruise to somewhere I’d better not mention! Accompanying Tony’s brother, (the younger son of Tony Without Teeth) and his two adorable children, we just know there are going to be storms ahead.

Let me explain: Wicked William is the most gorgeous person. 90 years old and completely charming and an ‘old fashioned’ gentleman, he is great fun to have around but is deaf and isn’t fitted with a volume control – so when you ask him something (Pardon), the reply is very loud and completely unrelated to the question eg”Would you like a cup of tea, Bill?”, is often answered by, “Well, I thought Liverpool played better this year..” and similar retorts.

He’s also ‘ of the older generation’ and , eg, when he swims, he immediately changes into dry swim shorts when he exits the pool. Which is sensible but, on his last visit to our home, this ‘change of shorts’ was done poolside and, as he was a little tired, he fell asleep mid change, was found (by me) stark naked snoring on his back by the pool (and no-one was around to wake him). So when I tried to call to him to tell him to ‘protect himself’, he didn’t hear. Nor did he feel the brush handle I prodded him with ..so I had to shake him to wake him, he jumped in the air, fell over his shorts constrained feet and into my arms. Naked. At which point Tony Without Teeth appeared and wanted to know ‘what was going on’.

So, the cruise will be fun. Mike (Tony’s brother), tells us the cruise has many facilities and groups so we’re hoping they have an “old codger protect your todger ” division – or we’re all doomed!

Sorry we couldn’t join you family! Please write to us from whichever port they decide to dock to disembark you!